Tuesday, February 19, 2013

victims of wood floor violence

once upon a time, there lived a kindly, sporty couple, deep in the woods. Gertrude (a world famous gymnast) and Akebono Bodenturnen (a world famous sumo wrestler) were two highly successful athletes who trained in the peace of the forest.

one day, Gertrude took a sip of her performance-enhancing drink that absolutely everyone in the sport drinks (aka 'the lance armstrong rationale'), then turned to Akebono, and said "we should have a child, for who shall look after our crippled bodies when we turn 40 and are too old to compete in our respective sports?" Akebono nodded his approval - he'd always wanted to have a son to raise in the ways of sumo.

and so they had a son, Hans. Hans was a fine boy, but he was a normal boy. this disappointed his parents, both of whom wanted a sports star like they were, to carry on the family sporting line. but as time went on, it was obvious Hans was only interested in one thing: pretzels.

he made pretzels from dawn to dusk, until even his fingers were in knots. eventually, he had to go out to the not-so-nearby towns selling his pretzels, as the house had become full of them; his parents just couldn't eat them fast enough, and, living deep in the woods, they had no neighbours.

one day, when Hans had gone to the very-far-away-village to sell his pretzels, Gertrude and Akebono had visitors.

Randy and Roland Stermudge were very nice, very mild-mannered wood-floor salesmen, as long as people bought the appropriate amount of wood flooring. on a routine sales trip, Randy spotted the Bodenturnen's cottage from the road, and decided that, although it appeared that the cottage was made entirely of wood, possibly, a potential client lived inside.

Randy knocked on the door. Gertrude and Akebono both answered. Randy and Roland introduced themselves, and explained that they were the best providers of wood flooring this side of the Black Forest. Akebono just shook his head. Gertrude wasn't interested either. "We just bought wood flooring last month. We couldn't possibly have it redone yet. But would you like a pretzel?"

well, Randy and Roland hated failure, and they hated pretzels. so when Gertrude closed the door, they retrieved their axes from the truck, and began chopping the nearest tree. it wasn't long before the huge tree fell on the Bodenturnen's lovely cottage.

screams could be heard from inside, but this didn't stop Randy and Roland "shoulda bought our wood flooring!" they shouted as they moved to the next tree and started chopping. again, the next tree fell on the cottage, crushing everything inside it: the extra pretzels, the recently installed wood flooring, the home-gym, and both the Bodenturnens. as they drove away, Randy and Roland laughed maniacally; such is the style of psychotic wood-floor salesmen.

when Hans returned, he saw the demolished cottage and fell to his knees sobbing. when he finished, he looked around and spotted the Stermudge twins' business card on the ground. he felt his blood boil. he stormed around to the back of the cottage, where his special pretzel-baking kitchen stood unspoiled by the tree-felling, and baked up a batch of his best pretzels - with poison - and grabbed his best gun (for what great pretzel-maker doesn't have a gun?).

Hans vowed to avenge his parents death-by-wood-flooring-salesmen in the most gruesome way possible - by poisoning *and* shooting them.

so if you see Hans, be sure not to buy his pretzels, particularly if you are in the wood-flooring industry. it could be your last snack.

people who have been killed by wood flooring (either directly or indirectly. mostly indirectly) :
mother theresa
john wayne
elvis (although this was most likely in conjunction with something else)
JFK (it's a known fact that the shooter was on a wooden floor)
FDR (the fumes from wood flooring almost certainly caused his polio)
sonny bono (the tree he ran into would have *become* wood flooring)

Friday, February 1, 2013

a little bit of poison

once upon a time, there was a young girl named belinda. belinda was fond of dancing, dressing in pink,  and visiting her sick granny. granny wasn't really sick, she just really wanted sympathy visitors, so she "worked it".

she was young, but not so young that it was inappropriate for her to have full, pouty lips. but she wished they were fuller, and poutier. not that she like to pout. she was quite upbeat! in fact, she aerobicised several times a week. this made her quite sweaty.

her sweating was so profuse, that her friends often found themselves drowning in belinda-juice.

sadly, she suffered from cervical dystonia AND vaginismus (both involve spasms of the relevant muscles) (some peoplepay good money for that).

and, when the moon was full, she blinked uncontrollably. a lot. so much so that on those days, her life was one long disco.

still, she had a good life and couldn't really complain. her mother baked cookies a lot, which made up for these inconveniences.

one day, she was headed to her granny's house, to cheer her up with some relaxing disco music. she decided to go through the dodgy medical section of the forest. on the way, she came across a man named bo. last name: tox.

he seemed neither friendly nor upbeat. and during the course of their conversation, he could only make comments that were botox related.

belinda : "hello"

bo: "great word. did you know botox is a good word too?"

belinda: "okay... well, i have to go now."

bo: "that's so good. botox can help you go."

belinda: "you're weird."

bo: "funny, i was just going to say that botox can help with weirdness. go to my website for more information on botox."

belinda; "no. good day."

and so belinda carried on to her granny's in a way that somewhat mirrors the way some people with red hoods might make their way to their granny's house, only to be hassled by wolves. she hurried, as granny got quite anxious if her musical entertainment was delayed.

when she arrived, she was horrified to discover bo had already gotten there.

"granny! what big lips you have!"

"the better to kiss you with, my dear!"

"granny! what a big forehead you have!"

"the better to look happily surprised at you, my dear!"

bo was about to give granny one final injection in her cheeks when the door smashed open. it was none other than esther, the botox bounty hunter.

"oh no you don't, bo! your days of putting


in people are over!"

"but esther! this woman could look younger for a short time until she starts to look horribly disfigured like a freak!"

"NO, BO! step away from the granny or i will poke you with my big sword, smack you with my giant hot dog  and kick you with my peg-leg."

but bo did not back away. he inched the needle towards granny.

esther hopped across the room, landing a wooden kick to bo's head. then she smacked him repeatedly with her giant hot dog until he was unconscious, which took awhile, but amused the heck out of belinda, who just sat and watched.

belinda hauled bo out into her 4x4, waiting outside.

"wow. that was really weird," said belinda. it was about to get weirder. there was a knock at the door. it was syco and the hoff!

"hello, we just wanted to add some comments about botox into this story," said the hoff. syco just scowled.

[not many people know this, but simon cowell invented the scowl, which is why it is called 'scowl'. absolute truth. in the 1940s, they used it as a defense against some of the wimpier germans. (according to official records, syco was born in 1959, but that is just a cover up.)]

"hm. yes. well, i know that botox can affect the ability to read emotion*, so i'm going to just to ask you  to leave before i throw my granny at you."

so the hoff and syco left to find other people to bask in their puffy-faced glory, and belinda and her granny had a nice afternoon filled with cookies and disco music.

unfortunately, belinda's granny's botox injection didn't sit well with her, and she died violently in the middle of the night. now she haunts people in the dodgy medical section of the forest.

the moral of this story is: do NOT put ads in my comment space, or there will be mildly horrific stories the subject of the ad in this blog. you won't like it.

* = again, i'm ashamed to say, wikipedia.