wow! a post! it's true!

i almost couldn't remember how to do this!

here's my explanation.

ie, "where the hell have i been," "why the hell haven't i been here," "who the hell do i think i am not being here?"

otherwise known as "the answers to dapoppins's questions"

well, first, there was that whole saving children from the inferno thing. i was a real hero that day.

then, of course, i was at a world peace conference. they listened to *none* of my ideas. particularly iran. they just would not listen to a thing i said. i said 'stop being so jerky.' they said 'no! die american!'*

after that it was off to convince a certain someone NOT to take their own life. mostly because i didn't want to listen to their songs over and over again until the end of time. well, we all know how *that* went.

after two items of failure, it was time to lay low for awhile. i needed to properly grieve.

i'll always remember farrah.

i'll always remember ed.

i'll always remember billy.

and the rest.

okay okay okay maybe i haven't been doing any of those things. if you want the 'where the hell have i been', here are the highlights:

first i had a book to do pictures for because i was presenting it to some children, allegedly, and then it turned out that only six children showed up.
i'm not bitter about that because HEY! all the pictures are done! but then i had to print the friggers off, after some photoshop touch-ups. i did an AMAZING job of getting two really polished packages off to agents. i know it was good because i got VERY FAST responses from them. both were no. one, though, said 'your ideas made me smile'.

yay. i am glad you smiled. hey, you know, your smiling would mean more if you could PUBLISH ME!!!

then there was a competition, the link of which will be available after i post this. results aren't available on that until next week. LONGEST.FORTNIGHT.EVER.

and in the meantime i have been playing softball because i missed it sooo sooo much. BUT the captain of the team went on holiday, so i said i would look after the team for him. this is something i don't think i ever want to do again without also having a very painful bikini wax just for fun.

sharkgirl was one of the main characters in a production of "the golden age of chocolate," otherwise known as 'the school's version of "charlie and the chocolate factory." i was EXTREMELY proud of her. i almost didn't notice my butt hurting from sitting in that chair for two hours. almost.

AAAANNND just because i thought somehow i had time for it, i agreed to do a website for my brother. i can do websites. static, functional websites. the one HE wants is done in FLASH!

ohmybobi'mtired!

and what did all that get me? a whole lot of pain.

just look at all my pains :



in particular, i have huge pains in my buttock-al region...



both sides! this cheek is mainly doin' sympathy pains. that i can do without!



so THAT pretty much sums up what's been going on.

oh wait...i also watched the whole first and second seasons of dexter, to prepare for the third. which i'm now two episodes behind on, because of aforementioned "stuff".

NEXT : i am soooo giving mother nature a good kick up the backside. she has been...what's the word? a beotch.

* = this is of course untrue. just had to make sure it was clear.

heavy objects i have been trapped beneath recently

a reader writes...

"Dearest Zerilda,

ZERILDA!!! i demand to know where you've been! i am sitting here, waiting for you to post. do you not respect *my* time? some blogger YOU are. i RUE the day i discovered your blog. furthermore, the drivel you left me with before you left was completely unacceptable, of a standard unbefitting a neanderthal, and made me a little bit sick on my happy meal. you'd better kick it up a notch, or i am going to stop sitting here.

TAKE NOTE!

Sincerely,
Your loving mother"

i was truly moved by this heart-warming letter, and my only response is, yes, you are right. you *were* sick on your happy meal. that is unfortunate.

but wait! it's not that i don't completely care about all that time spent waiting for me to entertain and/or amuse and/or distract you from your toenail-clipping duties.

it's TRULY that i have been gallivanting. to belfast!

i have had children on my own. for 10 days. which left me realizing how much i do not want them on my own for a longer period of time...

i have been creating! a presentation for a book reading! and that is where our tale of what-the-he11 have you been starts.

you see,

...there i was there i was there i was...

performing.

[and discovering i am NOT the only :
-female
-american
-comedienne
in cardiff!

oh yes...two of us were on the same lineup!]

when my good friend says "you should read your stories at the library..."

and i thought what a heck of an idea! but i'm at borders all the time. i would like to do it there. they OWE me for all those books i bought.

OWE

so i asked them. they were very happy to let me come in. i'll be doing it towards the end of may.

BUT... BUT... BUT...

as much as i like spinning stories for the kiddies...

illustrate...

...i do not

SO! plan b = clay rats! [story the first is about pie rats!]

i absolutely love love love super soft clay

who knew?

it turns out i am not clay-ically inclined, either:



on their own, they suck a bit! boy howdy is it awful!

but as a large GROUP OF RODENTS....



not too dang bad! it's the psychology of vision or something. your eye doesn't pay attention to crappy detail, it looks at the beautiful forest for the trees! unless you think they're still crappy, then that theory really falls flat...

and now, for the pies! i only have a few made. i need to make many Many MANY more -- this week!



i need
- berry pies
- banana pies
- cow pies

thank BOB for play-doh moulds!

and on hand for seasoning...

a gift from mielikki!!!

and these chicks are just waiting to see what i'm going to do with them...

...oh and i forgot to mention, i joined a softball team (home runs! pitching!)

...and got suckered intostarted taking tennis lessons after signing daughter up for same. (wow. after 20 years of not doing it, i really sucked the first session!)

i will endeavor to try-to-try to keep poking my nose into blogland in the meantime... i miss it...
so much...

oh AND my boy is four tomorrow. thank BOB he's a boy. the girl would be *put* *out* knowing i hadn't really prepared for it. . .

who needs sleep, really...?

stay tuned...you will see my gorgeous new shoes. I KNOW!!!

I KNOW!!!

Qrazy Question QXday

OH! The delay again!

Project Supertastic

is keeping me busy.

It is just plain magnificent.

But that is another post...

Anyway - let's get on with meeting the third inductee to OH! MY! BOB!



We were chillin' on the piano wondering : whoever would join us next?

The doorbell went. It was the elegant Fireblossom. She is also found here.



So we had a little chat!

Zerilda: sorry - i just got in, had to get myself a cuppa, and then get a biscuit
(sorry, i mean cookie)

Fireblossom: oh, I speak fluent UK

Zerilda: nice! so i could say car park to you!

car park!

and i could say mobile!
and i could say 'i'm going on holiday!'

Fireblossom: you could add a "u" to humour and glamour

Zerilda: and colour!

Fireblossom: I took the liberty of removing all the vowels from Bruce Willis's brain this afternoon

Zerilda: is he much different now?

Fireblossom: he sounds serbian

Zerilda: aaah. so no.

Fireblossom: not a whit

Zerilda: he's newly married, isn't he?

Fireblossom: i understand he married jacko in a private ceremony aboard a garbage scow under the Portuguese flag

Zerilda: wow. i didn't think either of them were Portuguese!

Fireblossom: well, they weren't BORN Portuguese. they had a devil baby which jacko promptly dangled overboard



Zerilda: well, you do one baby...gotta do them all...

Fireblossom: haha

Zerilda: okay so you have three wishes. you can't ask for more wishes. what are your wishes?

Fireblossom: For the television program "Cash Cab" to not merely drop off losing contestants, but to publicly vaporize them on the streets of new York

Zerilda: oh yeah that's a good one

Fireblossom: 2. For Oprah Winfrey to become fully aquatic...

Zerilda: as opposed to partially, which she is now...



Fireblossom: for all football leagues everywhere to be disbanded and replaced by open air shopping bazaars where men are baited and made to do tricks while being led on leashes

Zerilda: aaaaaah. now this i have to take issue with, only because i discovered that football serves the purpose of keeping men out of places i want to go for portions of a weekend.
and rugby.

Fireblossom: well this is true, but involuntary space travel accomplishes the same thing

Zerilda: what about just the jerks?

Fireblossom: yes. jerks only to the blue platform on level 5, please



Zerilda: YEAH! it's just that my son, i have grown accustomed to him... y'know

Fireblossom: oh, sons are exempt. I have one as well

Zerilda: fantastic. are you able to sing a particular song that would maim a person?

Fireblossom: ha! yes....

"Everything is Beautiful"

I can sing it either in trailer trash version or oriental pidgin
it includes the lyric 'there is none so blind as he who cannot see"
soo wise, i think

Zerilda: are you...really....also... trailer trash? or do you just sing it

Fireblossom: goodness no I am elegant. if i hear ee haw misic I begin to sag, and if there is yodeling in it, I become desperately ill within seconds

Zerilda: hee haw - how many people has THAT damaged? why were none of those people punished?

Fireblossom: it's tragic. they all become Toby keith and terrorize their communities

Zerilda: welcome to hell, here's your hee haw dvd. if ever there was a group of people needing to be shipped to their own planet, eh?

Fireblossom: someplace where it is far too cold to possibly play steel guitar

Zerilda: what was the last ritual you performed?

Fireblossom: I turned katie Couric into an invertebrate as part of a solstice celebration!

Zerilda: that is AWETASTIC! was it hard to do?

Fireblossom: no, but she kept screeching. she can no longer do latin dances

Zerilda: what - you mean

katie couric no longer tangos?

Fireblossom: I blame that lady from the weakest link

Zerilda: Anne Robinson

Fireblossom: yes

Zerilda: yeah - i can't decide who i dislike more, her or simon cowell.

Fireblossom: when i was in London, i saw that she was still at large

Zerilda: OH IF THEY HAD KIDS. what would that be like? surely their kid would be the subject of a quest

Fireblossom: they would be lovely.

Everyone knows that stuff skips a generation

Zerilda: true! i didn't think of that

Fireblossom: ;-)

Zerilda: it would be the loveliest kid on the planet! you couldn't get within five feet without being blessed or something!




Fireblossom:

my toaster whispered it to me

Zerilda: oh - bill cosby is it?

Fireblossom: yes Bill Cosby's spirit

Zerilda: did you know that i bought Phylicia Rashad-os at the grocery store today? they are like honey nut cheerios, but not as honey-oriented

Fireblossom: that bitch - she does hang up calls here at all hours. she tells me how many pounds she has lost

Zerilda: okay here's a quick-fire round:
who

Fireblossom: Horton

Zerilda: where

Fireblossom: in the air

Zerilda: what

Fireblossom: a big green truck in the sky

Zerilda: when

Fireblossom: 4pm time for tea

Zerilda: why

Fireblossom: why not?

Zerilda: excellent. okay here's the clue (the board game) version :
who killed who in the where with the what

Fireblossom: oOOOOoo!!!...
Ben Affleck was killed
with a fast moving passenger locomotive
in the study
the killer was....
Calista Flockhart...
driven mad by her marriage to Harrison Ford

Zerilda: wow. who knew calista had human strength? did you get a picture of it?

Fireblossom: I made a rock-umentary of it

Zerilda: sweeeet. okay last q, then i have to go to bed. it's a big'un
your door is, right now, being beaten down by anti-poetry campaigners. you have to grab a makeshift weapon NOW. what object do you grab, or do you just rush into your safe room, hoping they fall into the trap you made earlier?

Fireblossom: that's easy
I start discussing menstruation with my gf and the attackers, all male, disperse in seconds flat

Zerilda: i have really thoroughly enjoyed this, and wish i could do it longer! but 7 am is going to kick my butt in all kinds of new, innovative ways, so i'm taking my reluctant leave now. thank you for this honour!

The letter of glittery love

Dear Teacher,

I hope you can read this. I have decided to correspond to you in the medium of glitter and glue, using ONLY the glitter that has fallen off in my house from the art project you send home each week. I hope you have as much fun *doing* the projects as I have *picking* the glitter up off my floor. EVERY. DAY. It's a party in and of itself.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you for teaching me the futility of sending a spare pair of clothes every day, as you requested. I have enjoyed carrying the bag of spares as well as my son, who's trousers are completely rain-soaked (I hope that's rain. ..). I'm sure he's much better off stewing in the wet trousers than running around, say, nude. I am developing an impressive set of muscles, and have cancelled my now-unnecessary gym membership. I know what I'm going to do with *that* extra £15/month.

I do have one request, though. Would it be possible to be made privy to the official after-school-club time? OR, could we possibly get said club an accurate time-keeping device? My own watch is set to three minutes ahead of GMT, but when I showed up at 5:50pm on Tuesday, I was informed that I'd be charged for arriving 3 minutes past 6:00. They said they were going by their mobile phone clock, which, BOB KNOWS is a reasonable thing to do, but I just think possibly it should be set correctly. I will be happy to pay the late fee if I ever arrive *actually* late, by an official measurement. I believe a good rule of thumb in this Kingdom is 'if the Queen considers it late, it's late.'

Thank you, and happy glitter-picking-up. I know *I* always enjoy it...

Yours in craft,

Zerilda, The Superfluous Blogger,

mother of

Monkeyboy, the Prolific Glitter-er.

Qrazy Question Qsunday-ish

I am well aware that it is Monday.

But Facebook stole some time from me yesterday. Facebook - specifically a dude I did not want to talk to - kept me up. Let's ignore for a moment that I could have said "dude, stop bothering me, I have crap to do!" or "dude, stop bothering me, it's 1 am and I'm NOT up to talk to you!" I'm saying it now, in retrospect.

BUT! NEVERMIND THAT! I have another Pocket-blogger induction.


Last week's induction - Camikaos

This week, I am inducting

a very CRANKYPANTSISH woman

.



Zerilda : Okay, first question, um, who is the most deserving of a smacking, IYHO among the following : Tom Cruise, Madonna, Jacko, and um...Simon Cowell?

Sybil : Oh shit I hate to choose. Simon is the least deserving... they should all get a nice group smacking. With both hands.



Zerilda : NIIICe. Okay next question. What is your preferred method of punishment: rhubarb, rusty knife, golf club, or sharp ice cube?

Sybil : Rusty knife, for sure

I like to get dirty.

Zerilda : Yeah, I get that...

Sybil : Golf club is nice, too

Zerilda : Have you ever punched anyone in real life

Sybil : Yes

Zerilda : What was their crime? Were you impeding her way to the cous cous, or was she just ape-sh1t nuts?

Sybil : She attacked me out of nowhere so I punched her face, and broke her nose
for realz and SHE apologized to ME.

Zerilda : Okay what is your least favourite animal in the zoo, and why?

Sybil : Oh that one is easy - aarmadillos! They give me the creeps -

they remind me of big cockroaches

Zerilda : They serve no useful purpose, do they?!


I couldn't find an armadillo. Pretend that frog is one.

Zerilda : Oh I never thought of that. Now *I* hate them.

Sybil : shudders. They just. creep. me. out

Zerilda : Okay - do you like Bratz?

Sybil : It's my fricking - what is that sh1t superman couldn't handle? Oh - krypton! Bratz make me ill. They all have botox. I would feed them to Madonna.

Madonna was not available for this photo opportunity.

Zerilda : I think Madonna's a veggie, although i would be hard pressed to say Bratz contain any meat. Are you a veggie?

Sybil : NO I loves a nice filet mignon

LOVE DEAD COW

Zerilda : YEAH ! DEAD COW ROCKS!!!! but not raw

Sybil : Oh no, not raw. Nasty

Zerilda : Yup. How about raw potatoes?

Sybil : Raw potatoes? no. Salty!

Zerilda : I like them. But can not eat them without thinking about the person who told me years ago (and was probably full of poo) that you could get worms from it. If that doesn't bring out the naysayers, nothing will.

Sybil : I heard that, too! Is it true?

Zerilda : I have no idea. Let's google it. (i will know for publish-time)

[--> from the snopes.com message board, best I am willing to do at 12:48am:

"The potato itself wouldn't give you worms, but if you ingested any soil that was on the potato you could get worms from that. If an animal infected with worms used the garden as a latrine area, the eggs can remain in the soil and be picked up by humans from eating dirty veggies or by putting a dirty hand in the mouth."]

Zerilda : Okay let's try a music question: have you ever kissed a girl? One that you didn't birth or get birthed by?

Sybil : I have. Well, she kissed me. It was weird. I was dating her cousin. She attacked me. He was passed out. It was crazy. She also kinda stalked me for a while, from NY.

Zerilda : Oh dear. I only ask because that stoooopid song is stuck in my head because sharkgirl plays it all the time. She thinks it's funny. That's what a momma wants - a daughter walking around singing 'i kissed a girl' THAT'S gonna get me grandkids...sigh

Sybil : Hey - they can adopt

Zerilda : True. true. As long as I, some how, some way, get grandkids, I don't give a crap who she hooks up with. Could be spike the party dog.

Sybil : yup. Understood

Zerilda : Wasn't it spike? the oh-so-cute-pit-bull?

Sybil : You mean Spuds Mckenzie?

Zerilda : SPUDS!!! How could i forget Spuds Mckenzie!

Sybil : Are you talking about Tom and Jerry? cause that is Spike

Zerilda : No, I would be worried if she married Spike, because of all the mouse issues. If you could be any cartoon character. From ANY series. What would it be, and what phrase would you always say?

Sybil : hmmm...I would have to say I was told I was like Lucy, from Charlie Brown

Zerilda : niiiiice. And you would say....?

Sybil : I would say "I need a new dress. And better shoes! Whose a bitch gotta cut for some new shoes?!"

Zerilda : Eeeeexcellent. That was fun, thank you!!! I look forward to some STABBERIFIC ADVENTURES! At least one Bratz baby will be sacrificed each time, I hope. Although Sharkgirl was unimpressed when she saw what I'd done, photo or no...

Wordless Chicken Tuesday : new product development

First : for those who have wondered JUST WHERE THE HE11 HAVE I BEEN?!

I was, em, attending a performance of a well-loved local comic. And I needed the week to prepare for, em, watching her. She was funny. I am now in the thick of writing a whole pile of material for her. Hopefully she'll decide to use it. "PAY ME, BEOTCH!" is what I will say to her. But, you know, in a nice way. :)

ENOUGH OF THAT!

I, Zerilda, am always on the look-out for new and innovative products.

So imagine my delight when I came across this today:

Just when I thought I *wouldn't* find the appropriate way to BEGIN my career with chickens!



But that wasn't my only find. I had innovative food product requirements. And at Ptesco, my needs were satisfied thusly:



YES!

Finally! My mouse-based food needs will be met.

And it just wreaks of wholesome family goodness! One bite of this and my kids will want to be nerdily good until they are well out of high school!



But it gave me an idea. If we could eat a mouse, surely we could eat other celebrities. And I am hereby going to start a series of

Celebrity Luncheon Meats.

INSTALLMENT NUMBER ONE : PARIS HILTON CHICKEN

It is every bit as tasty and needy as the real life version. And RICH! You never tasted such rich chicken.

It is low fat, but if you take it to other countries, it will try to get other meats to be friends with it, by making the other meats perform humiliating activities for the paris-hilton-chicken's amusement.


And it leaves you feeling strangely unfulfilled. Also, if you eat it very long, say, more than 30 seconds, you find yourself dumbening down a bit. OH FRIG! I'VE EATEN TOO MUCH!!!



I'm afraid the tale of retribution will have to wait a week, while I have my stomach pumped. It is back to the drawing board.

Qrazy Question Qsunday

Okay. I can't have these adventures on my own. I am bringing some people on board.

First up, a lovely lady from Portland, who is having her annual cake-eating day. Although I believe she can't eat cake. More's the pity.

To welcome her into club OH! MY! BOB! I have asked her for an exclusive interview. She said no. Then I said 'Oh come on, please? I'll give you a lock of my hair!' Then she said yes.

Everyone wants a lock of my hair these days.

Cami is no different.

Without further adon't...

Interview with Cami Kaos

Cami: [Word that rhymes with 'Schmite', in caps]. I FORGOT. I'm here until my friend shows up to drag me to Watchmen

Zerilda : i see how it is. what is watchmen? i wish someone would drag me to watch men.

Cami: super hero movie

Zerilda : niiiice. cute guys?

Cami: I don't know I haven't seen it yet. it just came out yesterday

Zerilda : oh . right. no trailers?

Cami: I am lame and do not waththings like that

I am to busy being fancy and wearing crowns and things

Zerilda : aaaah. no i don't watch much tv at all, so let's be lame together...?
aaah. nice. oh that's a good note to start off on.
under what circumstances do you find it necessary and unnecessary to wear a crown?

Cami: i wear crown whenever i feel regal

Zerilda : do you feel regal now?

Cami: yes



Zerilda : fantastic. because of tomorrow or just generally

Cami: generally. but tomorrow adds a little something special



Zerilda : because we are short on time, i'm moving on although i'd like to pursue this more. anyway... what foods WOULD kill you and are evil

Cami: white bread. hot dog buns (unless they're made with whole grains). white rice especially.

if it's white and it's carby
it's the devil

and anything with processed sugar



Zerilda : are there any foods that are evil that wouldn't kill you?

Cami: yes but those are evil for other reasons. they're evil because they're ucky and no one wants to eat them. like beets

Zerilda :

BEETS ARE LOVELY

Cami: no

Zerilda : why no?

Cami: they make you pee blood and they taste like dirt

Zerilda : noo - you need the vinegar-soaked variety. they are nearly orgasmic [hi ma. let's pretend i said electrifying]. and i once *hated* beets. okay next - have you had bacon mayonnaise?

Cami: I don't eat mayo

Zerilda : there is a light version

Cami: unless it's in deviled eggs, which have the word deviled in them, but are not the devil. it isn't the fat it's the gross.

Zerilda : goooood call.

deviled is the only way i like eggs. or some foods

Cami: when i was a young teen my friends mother told us giving [Men a very nice time] was

like eating a hot dog with mayo on it

Zerilda : charming!

Cami: I find that though horrific, giving [Men a very nice time] is NOTHING like that

Zerilda : i'll have to change giving [Men a very nice time] to something that is family friendly, as my ma will read.



Zerilda : okay you have a manifesto, do you not? for world, taking over of ? or is it just a general plan to take over said world.

Cami: yes, but it has recently changed
I've made it much more realistic and I have associates now.
so we're keeping the manifesto secretive for the time being

Zerilda : oh! nice!

Cami: rest assured though I will take over

Zerilda : can your associates be named?

Cami: Not at this time.

the current plan for taking over the world is very real.

Zerilda : what will be your first and second acts when the world has been taken over?

Cami: we're starting with our fair city and then moving on to the rest of the world.

Zerilda : will i be among the killed?

Cami: and now I have to go watch a movie in the IMAX theater. my chariot awaits

Zerilda : one last question

Cami: go

Zerilda : does my bum look big in this?

Cami: No Zerilda you are a lovely creature and that is a very flattering chat box

Zerilda : thank you! have fun!



//*****************//

Well, this leaves many unanswered questions.

1) Will I be among the killed?

2) What was Watchmen like?

But otherwise, a lovely time was briefly had by both.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAMI!

After the concerts, he's going to take up golfing

Well well well. It is the end of an era, again.

Michael Jackson announced today that he is throwing in the towel on 'it' :

"This is it," Jackson said in a brief statement ... "And when I say this is it, I mean this is it."

Please BOB let it be so.

Here he is at the press conference:



But by 'it' he kind of means 'ish', because he might be playing gigs elsewhere in the world. So it's just the people in the Kingdom United by the Queen who he no longer will perform tooapparently, at night, grammar skills are gone to whom he will no longer perform, probably.

If I were a fan, I would be only mildly worried at this possible cessation. Twice I have gotten in a taxi driven by dudes who were such big fans of Michael they were almost wearing military jackets. One drove with a white glove. Fortunately, I wasn't going very far in either case, because neither of them were very good singers. YES. THEY SANG.

Have you ever heard a british taxi driver sing 'Shamone...HEE HEE HEE'? It is very disconcerting.

On Wednesday, Jackson launched a lawsuit against an auction house to stop the scheduled sale of more than 2,000 personal items from Neverland, including platinum and gold records, a customized Harley Davidson and a Rolls Royce limousine.

Really. MJ has a Harley. REALLy. Well that's easy to picture. He is such a Hell's Angel-ish dude. The streets would be so much safer if they alleviated him of that possession. I know *I'd* feel safer.



Apparently, if you own expensive things and used to be the King of Pop (they're now saying it's Justin Timberlake...that's really another post...), you can show up more than an hour late.

You know, when I'm going to be more than about fifteen minutes late, I call.

If I'm going to be more than twenty minutes late, I bring muffins.

If I'm going to be an HOUR late, I say I'm not coming. Then I buy the person a great big chocolate apology cake (that's for Sybil).

WHERE IS THEIR GREAT BIG CHOCOLATE APOLOGY CAKE?

I imagine Michael's not great in the kitchen, so he'd have to go to PTescos.

TO BE CLEAR - I never imagine Michael in his home. I don't need those kind of thoughts in my brain.

This is for Quilly :

I imagine that Michael Jackson's paucity of good sense comes from his post-stardom apanthropinization, which would not have occurred had he stuck with his childhood instrument, the zither.


Michael, playing an early, less scary version of "Thriller"