Friday, February 1, 2013

a little bit of poison

once upon a time, there was a young girl named belinda. belinda was fond of dancing, dressing in pink,  and visiting her sick granny. granny wasn't really sick, she just really wanted sympathy visitors, so she "worked it".

she was young, but not so young that it was inappropriate for her to have full, pouty lips. but she wished they were fuller, and poutier. not that she like to pout. she was quite upbeat! in fact, she aerobicised several times a week. this made her quite sweaty.

her sweating was so profuse, that her friends often found themselves drowning in belinda-juice.

sadly, she suffered from cervical dystonia AND vaginismus (both involve spasms of the relevant muscles) (some peoplepay good money for that).

and, when the moon was full, she blinked uncontrollably. a lot. so much so that on those days, her life was one long disco.

still, she had a good life and couldn't really complain. her mother baked cookies a lot, which made up for these inconveniences.

one day, she was headed to her granny's house, to cheer her up with some relaxing disco music. she decided to go through the dodgy medical section of the forest. on the way, she came across a man named bo. last name: tox.

he seemed neither friendly nor upbeat. and during the course of their conversation, he could only make comments that were botox related.

belinda : "hello"

bo: "great word. did you know botox is a good word too?"

belinda: "okay... well, i have to go now."

bo: "that's so good. botox can help you go."

belinda: "you're weird."

bo: "funny, i was just going to say that botox can help with weirdness. go to my website for more information on botox."

belinda; "no. good day."

and so belinda carried on to her granny's in a way that somewhat mirrors the way some people with red hoods might make their way to their granny's house, only to be hassled by wolves. she hurried, as granny got quite anxious if her musical entertainment was delayed.

when she arrived, she was horrified to discover bo had already gotten there.

"granny! what big lips you have!"

"the better to kiss you with, my dear!"

"granny! what a big forehead you have!"

"the better to look happily surprised at you, my dear!"

bo was about to give granny one final injection in her cheeks when the door smashed open. it was none other than esther, the botox bounty hunter.

"oh no you don't, bo! your days of putting


in people are over!"

"but esther! this woman could look younger for a short time until she starts to look horribly disfigured like a freak!"

"NO, BO! step away from the granny or i will poke you with my big sword, smack you with my giant hot dog  and kick you with my peg-leg."

but bo did not back away. he inched the needle towards granny.

esther hopped across the room, landing a wooden kick to bo's head. then she smacked him repeatedly with her giant hot dog until he was unconscious, which took awhile, but amused the heck out of belinda, who just sat and watched.

belinda hauled bo out into her 4x4, waiting outside.

"wow. that was really weird," said belinda. it was about to get weirder. there was a knock at the door. it was syco and the hoff!

"hello, we just wanted to add some comments about botox into this story," said the hoff. syco just scowled.

[not many people know this, but simon cowell invented the scowl, which is why it is called 'scowl'. absolute truth. in the 1940s, they used it as a defense against some of the wimpier germans. (according to official records, syco was born in 1959, but that is just a cover up.)]

"hm. yes. well, i know that botox can affect the ability to read emotion*, so i'm going to just to ask you  to leave before i throw my granny at you."

so the hoff and syco left to find other people to bask in their puffy-faced glory, and belinda and her granny had a nice afternoon filled with cookies and disco music.

unfortunately, belinda's granny's botox injection didn't sit well with her, and she died violently in the middle of the night. now she haunts people in the dodgy medical section of the forest.

the moral of this story is: do NOT put ads in my comment space, or there will be mildly horrific stories the subject of the ad in this blog. you won't like it.

* = again, i'm ashamed to say, wikipedia.


  1. The diner I like to have lunch in when I am working has recently started playing this annoyingly busy disco station. I hate it with a hatred usually reserved for people who use my comments to promote their own crapola.

  2. PS--where's my doll? What did you do with the Fireblossom doll?????

  3. so fabulous .. so much better than just screaming SPAM ... because that would bring out all the Pythons ... no one likes snakes

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