Friday, March 27, 2009

The letter of glittery love

Dear Teacher,

I hope you can read this. I have decided to correspond to you in the medium of glitter and glue, using ONLY the glitter that has fallen off in my house from the art project you send home each week. I hope you have as much fun *doing* the projects as I have *picking* the glitter up off my floor. EVERY. DAY. It's a party in and of itself.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you for teaching me the futility of sending a spare pair of clothes every day, as you requested. I have enjoyed carrying the bag of spares as well as my son, who's trousers are completely rain-soaked (I hope that's rain. ..). I'm sure he's much better off stewing in the wet trousers than running around, say, nude. I am developing an impressive set of muscles, and have cancelled my now-unnecessary gym membership. I know what I'm going to do with *that* extra £15/month.

I do have one request, though. Would it be possible to be made privy to the official after-school-club time? OR, could we possibly get said club an accurate time-keeping device? My own watch is set to three minutes ahead of GMT, but when I showed up at 5:50pm on Tuesday, I was informed that I'd be charged for arriving 3 minutes past 6:00. They said they were going by their mobile phone clock, which, BOB KNOWS is a reasonable thing to do, but I just think possibly it should be set correctly. I will be happy to pay the late fee if I ever arrive *actually* late, by an official measurement. I believe a good rule of thumb in this Kingdom is 'if the Queen considers it late, it's late.'

Thank you, and happy glitter-picking-up. I know *I* always enjoy it...

Yours in craft,

Zerilda, The Superfluous Blogger,

mother of

Monkeyboy, the Prolific Glitter-er.


  1. Oh my Bob that is a good letter. And I cannot beLIEVE I am still up at this un-bob-ly hour just as you evidently are.

    I have letter moments like that but that one is good. I am cutting and pasting it for future use. Like when I go in a nursing home or something.

  2. When I was teaching first grade (for ten years), my classroom came with about a score of big cans of glitter. When I left there were still an almost a score of big cans of glitter. It took ten years and nearly 200 first graders to barely make a dent in the glitter supply.

    I think you would have liked me for a teacher.

  3. They charged you for 3 minutes? In our daycare we didn't start charging till ten minutes I think...cause we were aware of the watch thing.

  4. Hey! Please, send this to the teacher! And post her response.

  5. Dear Zerilda,

    Thank you for your thoughtful letter. I will show it to the living god, Tom Cruise, and ask if I am still "clear." He had a terrible fire. He lost his collection of repaired PEZ candies. I have tried my best to console him, but that cow with the kid keeps interrupting us. I think she used to be in some old tv show or something. I think she had the part of the table lamp.

    Yours Sincerely,

    Pindella MacFarquhar-Pimson, teacher at large

  6. I love orange peel and celery!

    I despise glitter.

    After 3 minutes??? That is unreasonable!

  7. In my world the late fee would be something I would find a way to charge back to them .. maybe if Monkeyboy isnt ready to leave when you arrive you could charge them a parental waiting fee ...

    And Ptomcruise this is an awesome missive .. perhaps you can enclose some of the glitter in it so when teacher opens it she can experience first hand how truly fun it can be ...

  8. glitter is a curse and that teacher is trying to get even with you for some reason. And I would give Monkeyboy a whole glitter pen and instruct him to run around the after school program drawing things with it willy nilly. I would.

  9. Homeschooling looks more and more appealing every day...

  10. Aha! I found you, with a little help from my pal Google...

    And yeah. I totally hear ya on the glitter thing. Except that you say that you pick it up off your floor. I've completely given up on that. It kinda gives my house a white-trash sparkly aura, which is exactly what I was going for, of course.

  11. you pick up the glitter??? I just tell everyone it is fairy dust.

  12. I had a post I meant to write on the evils of glitter. I hate it so much. I would send that letter in my dear Zerilda with a ton of glitter in the envelope as Daryl says. I would also dress monkeyboy in a whole outfit made of glitter, and I would buy them a new clock made of glitter and hire someone to throw glitter at them every time they make ridiculous and money grabbing comments about lateness, when it only exists in their 'world'. A**hats.

  13. Just another reason to eat celery and not have kids.

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