wow! a post! it's true!

i almost couldn't remember how to do this!

here's my explanation.

ie, "where the hell have i been," "why the hell haven't i been here," "who the hell do i think i am not being here?"

otherwise known as "the answers to dapoppins's questions"

well, first, there was that whole saving children from the inferno thing. i was a real hero that day.

then, of course, i was at a world peace conference. they listened to *none* of my ideas. particularly iran. they just would not listen to a thing i said. i said 'stop being so jerky.' they said 'no! die american!'*

after that it was off to convince a certain someone NOT to take their own life. mostly because i didn't want to listen to their songs over and over again until the end of time. well, we all know how *that* went.

after two items of failure, it was time to lay low for awhile. i needed to properly grieve.

i'll always remember farrah.

i'll always remember ed.

i'll always remember billy.

and the rest.

okay okay okay maybe i haven't been doing any of those things. if you want the 'where the hell have i been', here are the highlights:

first i had a book to do pictures for because i was presenting it to some children, allegedly, and then it turned out that only six children showed up.
i'm not bitter about that because HEY! all the pictures are done! but then i had to print the friggers off, after some photoshop touch-ups. i did an AMAZING job of getting two really polished packages off to agents. i know it was good because i got VERY FAST responses from them. both were no. one, though, said 'your ideas made me smile'.

yay. i am glad you smiled. hey, you know, your smiling would mean more if you could PUBLISH ME!!!

then there was a competition, the link of which will be available after i post this. results aren't available on that until next week. LONGEST.FORTNIGHT.EVER.

and in the meantime i have been playing softball because i missed it sooo sooo much. BUT the captain of the team went on holiday, so i said i would look after the team for him. this is something i don't think i ever want to do again without also having a very painful bikini wax just for fun.

sharkgirl was one of the main characters in a production of "the golden age of chocolate," otherwise known as 'the school's version of "charlie and the chocolate factory." i was EXTREMELY proud of her. i almost didn't notice my butt hurting from sitting in that chair for two hours. almost.

AAAANNND just because i thought somehow i had time for it, i agreed to do a website for my brother. i can do websites. static, functional websites. the one HE wants is done in FLASH!

ohmybobi'mtired!

and what did all that get me? a whole lot of pain.

just look at all my pains :



in particular, i have huge pains in my buttock-al region...



both sides! this cheek is mainly doin' sympathy pains. that i can do without!



so THAT pretty much sums up what's been going on.

oh wait...i also watched the whole first and second seasons of dexter, to prepare for the third. which i'm now two episodes behind on, because of aforementioned "stuff".

NEXT : i am soooo giving mother nature a good kick up the backside. she has been...what's the word? a beotch.

* = this is of course untrue. just had to make sure it was clear.

Qrazy Question QXday

OH! The delay again!

Project Supertastic

is keeping me busy.

It is just plain magnificent.

But that is another post...

Anyway - let's get on with meeting the third inductee to OH! MY! BOB!



We were chillin' on the piano wondering : whoever would join us next?

The doorbell went. It was the elegant Fireblossom. She is also found here.



So we had a little chat!

Zerilda: sorry - i just got in, had to get myself a cuppa, and then get a biscuit
(sorry, i mean cookie)

Fireblossom: oh, I speak fluent UK

Zerilda: nice! so i could say car park to you!

car park!

and i could say mobile!
and i could say 'i'm going on holiday!'

Fireblossom: you could add a "u" to humour and glamour

Zerilda: and colour!

Fireblossom: I took the liberty of removing all the vowels from Bruce Willis's brain this afternoon

Zerilda: is he much different now?

Fireblossom: he sounds serbian

Zerilda: aaah. so no.

Fireblossom: not a whit

Zerilda: he's newly married, isn't he?

Fireblossom: i understand he married jacko in a private ceremony aboard a garbage scow under the Portuguese flag

Zerilda: wow. i didn't think either of them were Portuguese!

Fireblossom: well, they weren't BORN Portuguese. they had a devil baby which jacko promptly dangled overboard



Zerilda: well, you do one baby...gotta do them all...

Fireblossom: haha

Zerilda: okay so you have three wishes. you can't ask for more wishes. what are your wishes?

Fireblossom: For the television program "Cash Cab" to not merely drop off losing contestants, but to publicly vaporize them on the streets of new York

Zerilda: oh yeah that's a good one

Fireblossom: 2. For Oprah Winfrey to become fully aquatic...

Zerilda: as opposed to partially, which she is now...



Fireblossom: for all football leagues everywhere to be disbanded and replaced by open air shopping bazaars where men are baited and made to do tricks while being led on leashes

Zerilda: aaaaaah. now this i have to take issue with, only because i discovered that football serves the purpose of keeping men out of places i want to go for portions of a weekend.
and rugby.

Fireblossom: well this is true, but involuntary space travel accomplishes the same thing

Zerilda: what about just the jerks?

Fireblossom: yes. jerks only to the blue platform on level 5, please



Zerilda: YEAH! it's just that my son, i have grown accustomed to him... y'know

Fireblossom: oh, sons are exempt. I have one as well

Zerilda: fantastic. are you able to sing a particular song that would maim a person?

Fireblossom: ha! yes....

"Everything is Beautiful"

I can sing it either in trailer trash version or oriental pidgin
it includes the lyric 'there is none so blind as he who cannot see"
soo wise, i think

Zerilda: are you...really....also... trailer trash? or do you just sing it

Fireblossom: goodness no I am elegant. if i hear ee haw misic I begin to sag, and if there is yodeling in it, I become desperately ill within seconds

Zerilda: hee haw - how many people has THAT damaged? why were none of those people punished?

Fireblossom: it's tragic. they all become Toby keith and terrorize their communities

Zerilda: welcome to hell, here's your hee haw dvd. if ever there was a group of people needing to be shipped to their own planet, eh?

Fireblossom: someplace where it is far too cold to possibly play steel guitar

Zerilda: what was the last ritual you performed?

Fireblossom: I turned katie Couric into an invertebrate as part of a solstice celebration!

Zerilda: that is AWETASTIC! was it hard to do?

Fireblossom: no, but she kept screeching. she can no longer do latin dances

Zerilda: what - you mean

katie couric no longer tangos?

Fireblossom: I blame that lady from the weakest link

Zerilda: Anne Robinson

Fireblossom: yes

Zerilda: yeah - i can't decide who i dislike more, her or simon cowell.

Fireblossom: when i was in London, i saw that she was still at large

Zerilda: OH IF THEY HAD KIDS. what would that be like? surely their kid would be the subject of a quest

Fireblossom: they would be lovely.

Everyone knows that stuff skips a generation

Zerilda: true! i didn't think of that

Fireblossom: ;-)

Zerilda: it would be the loveliest kid on the planet! you couldn't get within five feet without being blessed or something!




Fireblossom:

my toaster whispered it to me

Zerilda: oh - bill cosby is it?

Fireblossom: yes Bill Cosby's spirit

Zerilda: did you know that i bought Phylicia Rashad-os at the grocery store today? they are like honey nut cheerios, but not as honey-oriented

Fireblossom: that bitch - she does hang up calls here at all hours. she tells me how many pounds she has lost

Zerilda: okay here's a quick-fire round:
who

Fireblossom: Horton

Zerilda: where

Fireblossom: in the air

Zerilda: what

Fireblossom: a big green truck in the sky

Zerilda: when

Fireblossom: 4pm time for tea

Zerilda: why

Fireblossom: why not?

Zerilda: excellent. okay here's the clue (the board game) version :
who killed who in the where with the what

Fireblossom: oOOOOoo!!!...
Ben Affleck was killed
with a fast moving passenger locomotive
in the study
the killer was....
Calista Flockhart...
driven mad by her marriage to Harrison Ford

Zerilda: wow. who knew calista had human strength? did you get a picture of it?

Fireblossom: I made a rock-umentary of it

Zerilda: sweeeet. okay last q, then i have to go to bed. it's a big'un
your door is, right now, being beaten down by anti-poetry campaigners. you have to grab a makeshift weapon NOW. what object do you grab, or do you just rush into your safe room, hoping they fall into the trap you made earlier?

Fireblossom: that's easy
I start discussing menstruation with my gf and the attackers, all male, disperse in seconds flat

Zerilda: i have really thoroughly enjoyed this, and wish i could do it longer! but 7 am is going to kick my butt in all kinds of new, innovative ways, so i'm taking my reluctant leave now. thank you for this honour!

After the concerts, he's going to take up golfing

Well well well. It is the end of an era, again.

Michael Jackson announced today that he is throwing in the towel on 'it' :

"This is it," Jackson said in a brief statement ... "And when I say this is it, I mean this is it."

Please BOB let it be so.

Here he is at the press conference:



But by 'it' he kind of means 'ish', because he might be playing gigs elsewhere in the world. So it's just the people in the Kingdom United by the Queen who he no longer will perform tooapparently, at night, grammar skills are gone to whom he will no longer perform, probably.

If I were a fan, I would be only mildly worried at this possible cessation. Twice I have gotten in a taxi driven by dudes who were such big fans of Michael they were almost wearing military jackets. One drove with a white glove. Fortunately, I wasn't going very far in either case, because neither of them were very good singers. YES. THEY SANG.

Have you ever heard a british taxi driver sing 'Shamone...HEE HEE HEE'? It is very disconcerting.

On Wednesday, Jackson launched a lawsuit against an auction house to stop the scheduled sale of more than 2,000 personal items from Neverland, including platinum and gold records, a customized Harley Davidson and a Rolls Royce limousine.

Really. MJ has a Harley. REALLy. Well that's easy to picture. He is such a Hell's Angel-ish dude. The streets would be so much safer if they alleviated him of that possession. I know *I'd* feel safer.



Apparently, if you own expensive things and used to be the King of Pop (they're now saying it's Justin Timberlake...that's really another post...), you can show up more than an hour late.

You know, when I'm going to be more than about fifteen minutes late, I call.

If I'm going to be more than twenty minutes late, I bring muffins.

If I'm going to be an HOUR late, I say I'm not coming. Then I buy the person a great big chocolate apology cake (that's for Sybil).

WHERE IS THEIR GREAT BIG CHOCOLATE APOLOGY CAKE?

I imagine Michael's not great in the kitchen, so he'd have to go to PTescos.

TO BE CLEAR - I never imagine Michael in his home. I don't need those kind of thoughts in my brain.

This is for Quilly :

I imagine that Michael Jackson's paucity of good sense comes from his post-stardom apanthropinization, which would not have occurred had he stuck with his childhood instrument, the zither.


Michael, playing an early, less scary version of "Thriller"